Human relationships are perhaps the most complex and difficult mutually interactive things in the world. The eternal accuser and fault-finder is no exception.

Put simply, fault-finders are people who continuously and obsessively accuse and find fault in others, and proceed to belittle and criticize them for one thing or another. They often complain about what others do and don´t do, and judge them very harshly on trivial and not so trivial issues. Fault-finders are constantly telling others that they are at fault, pointing out what they are doing wrong, and constantly reminding them of what and how they should be doing things. Such people are highly annoying.

Such persons, by definition, are demonized by some deep-rooted sense of insecurity that resides in their still immature psychological machinery. Quite often these persons were not well-treated, nor loved or appreciated, and constantly proven wrong by their parents. Because of such they must have struggled badly with their feelings of hurt during their fragile and highly vulnerable childhood years. 

There is a very strong sign of subjacent insecurity that is always present every time these people harshly judge others. In fact, it happens very often that they find human faults everywhere and anywhere. Furthermore, jealous and envious persons also tend to be pesty and consistent fault-finders, and quite often are faults are conveniently made up or imagined and later made public.

A few common synonyms that apply to chronic fault-finders are as follows: captious, carping, censorious, critical, hypercritical, and annoying. While all these words mean "inclined to look for and point out faults and defects," fault-finding implies a querulous, obsessive, or excessively exacting temperament that is very difficult to deal with. 

Having said that, we come upon a key question: “exactly how do we effectively deal with a chronically critical and fault-finding person?” The answer is very simple and straight forward. If the fault-finding continues, ask them flat out: “who belittle and found faults in you when you were a small child?; why do you still hold on to your hurt and continue with such negative behavior?; what does the relentless process of fault-finding mean to you?; - what do you get out of it and what does it do for your self-esteem?, and finally why is it so important to you?” 

Such questions, formulated in a friendly and understanding tone, presents a critical question to the fault-finder without directly accusing him or her. It also allows the fault-finder the possibility to save face, the possibility to find a decorous and respectful way out, and also the possibility of once and for all modifying or extinguishing his or her highly irritating and annoying behavior accordingly. 

If the fault-finders continue finding faults with ideas and/or behaviors without forwarding new and better ones, they are clearly resisting change and their aggressive behavior is an all-out put-down directed at the other person. Whatever the case, such behavior generally shows their profound fear, insecurity, and immaturity.

It is a known fact that most people can take just so much belittling and unwarranted criticism. Because of such, a continuous fault-finding attitude by one or both of the partners makes for a toxic behavior-driven relationship that is doomed to flounder and fail with the passing of time But once again, the way out for both parties is simple and straight forward, considering the weak and fragile and insecure psychological makeup of the typical fault-finder. 

Furthermore, contempt and condescendence (thoughts and feelings that a person or thing is worthless or not worthy of serious consideration) often appears when one partner criticizes another in a public setting. Criticizing and acting superior always conveys a contemptuous and very toxic message from a position of inferiority and/or weakness. In fact, that is the very nature that lies at the core of the conceited, insecure, rude, and condescending person.

In other words, to have to experience the one you love, or once loved, attacking and ripping you apart with incessant fault-finding barrages is highly demoralizing and emotionally unhealthy … for both partners.

In essence, chronic fault-finding can and does twist and distort the way the fault-finder sees others, especially their close partners. It can also drive a temporary or permanent wedge between them that will ruin their relationship. A wedge that someday could produce a definitive relational rupture for the couple. 

For some reason or another, the fault-finder, because of his or her tough, lonely, and abusive childhood, tends to compensate and falsely see him or herself as better or even superior to the other person. The truth of the matter is that he or she is very low on self-esteem, and thus needs to be understood and helped.

The superficial image of superiority the fault-finder casts is only a cover-up and/or facade designed to conceal a profound sense or inferiority, immaturity, and/or ineptitude that has not been properly resolved. 

Once again, and psychologically speaking, the fault-finder is very keen at detecting and showing intolerance towards the apparent weaknesses of others. This, in turn, grossly distorts the way he or she views his or her own faults. Generally, they never see, understand, nor acknowledge their own faults.

This is true because the fault-finder simultaneously and consistently inflicts psychological punishment as he or she displaces and dispenses shame and blame. Such an attitude constitutes a direct attack upon another person. A destructive process that serves the purpose of unloading frustration, anger, aggressiveness, bitterness, and other pent-up emotions upon the other person. The blamer is often someone prone to internal fragmentation and shame, followed by storms of difficult to control narcissistic anger and possible uncontrollable rage.

In general, partners can be considered priceless possessions when they assist in developing more appropriate points of view and develop deeper, wiser, and more positive mutual insights. However, and as we have seen in the paragraphs above, some partners simply fail to listen to constructive warnings that his or her behavior is turning them into a drag (a boring or tiresome person or thing). 

In fact, the fault-finder may have absolutely nothing personal against the other partner, but he or she is negative-minded and generally likes to complain about extremely petty deeds and/or things. 

Usually, the fault-finding side is looking for the other party to recognize that he or she has made a mistake somewhere along the line. Of course, one can exercise the full liberty of not agreeing at all with the apparent mental scolding process, and immediately reflect the aggression right back to the fault-finder. If that happens, feelings and emotions will be hurt on both sides of the playing field, couple morale will be seriously damaged or completely lost, and the loving relationship starts looking like a shipwreck.

Now the question, again, is: what should one do in order to complain about the other partner´s poor behavior without lacking respect and making things worse? 

When being attacked, one´s first goal should be to minimize damage, and the second goal to try to help the other person like and accept himself or herself a little more. For that we need to assist the fault-finder in increasing his or her levels of self-esteem and develope a friendly and self-accepting me-to-me relationship.

However, and in such cases, we must always “listen to the other bell” in terms of seeing what the other person has to say. Then one must pose the following question: is there a possibility that I am messing up and that your fault-finding behavior is entirely my fault?  

At that moment one must simply sit-down face to face with the other person in hopes of getting the issue straight so it can be dealt with properly and maturely. One should try to reduce and/or eliminate any and all interactive anxiety and/or tension by speaking softly in a loving and respectful tone, and then, with the outmost of respect and politeness, confront your partner head-on. 

At that moment, one must use his or her rational mind to analyze and examine the faulty mental structure and thinking patterns, as well as the faulty data processing system that allowed the problem to develop and grow to immense proportions. One must also make sure to respectfully discuss any and all possible options and available alternatives. 

False accusations and preconceived fault-finding are very bad and evil-driven habits indeed. However, the next time someone (directly or indirectly) aggressively slanders or points an accusing fault-finding finger at you, simply ask him to look closely at the position of the accusing fingers in his own hand. It will immediately become evident that only one finger is pointing and accusing you and the other three are pointing and accusing him. 

Honesty, accountability, and solidarity are critical factors. Doing this calmly, respectfully, and in private … the flailing relationship will hopefully start to clear-up, mature, and possibly become something honest and frankly worth sharing.